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breathe ( idontknow)


Starting it off, I honestly tried my best to not post anything like this or whatsoever since I don't want to make it real (in a way).

I've been on and off blogging for how many months, and how many years and all the time, I blame if on my laziness (which is correct in all ways possible) but I don't blame it on my weird awful anxiety. I don't know, I really don't like talking about anxiety that much because when I do, I get really into it to the point that I pull out all these other topics relating to it (which is everything).

Okay. So why am I posting this if that's the case. It's because I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't write this down. I actually filmed this, but let's be honest, I won't be posting that anywhere.

I don't like anxiety, at all. Who does anyway? Its this big burden that follows me everywhere that stops me from doing things I like because I'm overthinking to the point of hopelessness. I actually blame that for my anxiety, I blame it on all these things I want to do in life but I feel like I can't or I think of all these horrible outcomes that'd make me escape from everything.

I have a lot of dreams in life, one of those is joining an entertainment in Korea (something that I've ranted about to my bestest and closest friends). And anxiety and lack of confidence really pulls me away from that dream. I mean, I have all these audition forms and I did my research on it and the moment I open those forms, I overthink. I kill myself through overthinking. So, that's one.

Another is that I want(ed) to get published. But it's the same thing. Whenever I go to an agent's site to check if they accept international authors to writing query letters kills me to the point that I want to throw up.

And lastly, university has a really big part in the chaotic mess that I'm in since the major that I'm majoring in is not really what I want to do and it's such a hassle to shift majors since I have to let go of my slot and try to grab another slot through an exam that if I fail, I won't be going to my current university anymore. Another thing I'm worrying about my major is what my job would be, I'm an Asian Studies major and we don't have specific jobs like journalism, or medicine, majors, we've always been told that our course is interdisciplinary and could work at any field blah blah blah. And that's my problem, what are those fields we could work on? Would I even have a job after I graduate? Would I like that job, I'd be doing? Am I wasting my time? All these questions bombard my head and it's all too much.

I need a breather to be honest. It's been months that I've been bothered like this and I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm so lost in my life because I don't know what to do with it. My dream's a one in a million shot and I don't know if I'd hit the bull's eye.