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It's not me, it's the society


Due to recent events and trail of thoughts that has been swarming my whole being, I decided to start this as something to help me clear out my mind of all the things swimming in and through it.
I accidentally deleted my tumblr account recently and the whole 7 years that came along with it, just because I thought I was deleting just one blog. All the images I backed up in that account's gone and this is a start of a clean slate. Let's pour our souls out, be naked, and this is my take. 



The society is shit. We are part of the society. Ergo we are shit. In terms of philosophical logic, flaws makes this analogy false, but then again, we human beings are hypocrites and that is no lie. As much as we want to cover our ears and close our eyes from what the society want's us to be, we cannot really. First of all, human beings are naturally curious. It wasn't the cat that was killed by curiosity. Curiosity is what made cavemen know that fire burns. Second, as said, we are part of the society, at some point we are the ones opening our mouths to what our standards and expectations are. It is what it is. This is what this is. Small changes can happen but new walls and standards will rise up as we become more open minded of things.


I'm going to be a senior in university and I developed an unhealthy eating pattern and diet. I eat once a day when I'm trying to lose weight. My friends ask me, "don't you feel hungry?" and the thing is, I don't feel hunger, at all. I've been told that I'm not fat but I hate seeing my love handles, I hate seeing my arms because they're big, because when I stopped doing sports, every muscle I built sagged. I suddenly remember Kyla Massie from the K-Pop group Pristin (another group I love), she's 15 and she's getting hate for her body. She's beautiful and talented and people are more concerned with what she looks like. She's not even that big. But the thing is, we now live in a society that doesn't make you feel good about yourself. Everywhere you'd see these slim girls with picturesque proportions, long legs, flat stomach, long neck. Proportions not everyone could have. And it's even sadder that we people spat hurtful words to people who are in the entertainment industry yet doesn't adhere to these standards. When we ourselves are not picturesque as them. So once again, I'll bring up my argument that we are hypocrites, even just a little bit.


I'm graduating university next year and I'm drowning from internal and external expectations that has been built up. I'm graduating with a degree that I'm not sure where it's going to take me. I'm stuck at the crossroads of whether I'm going to continue to Law School or to start a new path to Med School. I've been trying to look for a job this past few days and my friend told me that there's an opening at the place she used to work at, I thought about it and it's far from where I'm living, so I thought that my parents wouldn't allow me. I told my mum and I got told off for not grabbing the opportunity. It's not that I didn't grab the opportunity, I just left it hanging.I honestly don't know where my life is taking me and I'm already in my last year of being a teen. I have no job experience nor do I know where I'm going to get one. I'm at crossroads, and I'm lost and all these expectations hanging above my head isn't helping me at all.


How does one become an adult? Is there a guide for this? Because honestly I don’t know how to be one. Continuing with Expectations, being an adult is expected of me since I'm at this age and I still have a mindset of a 12 year old. Honestly, the thought of being an adult, adulting, scares me. It scares me that it's actually the start of my life. I don't know how to explain it in proper words but, I really don't know how to live my life. I don't know how, where I'm going to get a job, I don't know where my degree's taking me, I don't know if the dreams I'm dreaming are even possible to be achieved. Everything's just a blur and it terrifies me a lot. I'm scared that by the end of these all, I'm going to be a neet.


As sad that it is, I have come to accept that I lack a lot of things. I have no plans with my life and even if I do, I don't do anything to get there. I'm lazy and heavily confined in my comfort zone, in the little bubble I built for the past 19 years of my existence that will soon burst.