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the unbecoming

In one poem by Madisen Kuhn she said,
“Everything you've ever loved has been loved before, and everything you are has already been.”

When people ask me to describe myself, I’ve always said that I’m either a mirror or a vacuum. A mirror that will show you what you expect of me and a vacuum that will take whatever it is she likes. I feel fake because of this. I feel like an imitation. Something close but never the real thing. I’ve tried a lot of things, playing the piano, figure skating, ballet, dancing but I never really finished any of these things. It made me think. Did I really love doing them or did I just do them because I saw someone I like do them? I’m going to contradict myself and say, “Isn’t that how people start doing the things they love?”

I’m a cauldron of everything I like within the limit of my capabilities and physicality. The only thing I’m worried about is losing who I really am in midst of this cauldron. There are times when I look in the mirror and not know who the figure is. As if there’s a different person inside my body, an almost of who I wish I am. She looks different, feels different. She looks like the girl I saw singing two months ago. She looks like me, but not really. The thing is, I could never be her. My rainfall and moonlight will never be her rainbows and sunshines. And it’s okay. I’m my version of her, of him, of them. And it’s okay.

I’ve continuously talked about change and how I’m trying to embrace it. I’m still terrified of change. Terrified because I think I’ll lose myself even if its close to impossible. I’m still me. I will always be me. Even if I dye my hair pink, cut my bangs and toss my glasses aside. I need to get this drilled in my skull.