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Pause.

I am currently powered by caffeine at 7PM. So here I am pouring my energy out on this.

It has been a while.
I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve said that in this blog. It has really been a while. The world’s currently kinda-maybe in shambles, everything’s on hold and not everyone has been handling everything well.

How’s your mental health recently? 

The time’s on pause. Whatever it is we say, it just doesn’t please anyone right now. If we’re too optimistic and we look at the brighter side of things, people think that we’re turning our backs on the people that are less fortunate. If we’re too realistic and pessimistic, we’re called ungrateful.

I’ve actually written this around the start of the lockdown period here in manila, but I got sick and I had to take a step back from everything because my mental space was not the healthiest. As much as I want to read blogs and articles about anything and everything, I can't seem to bring myself to enjoy the things I enjoy.

Before the whole fiasco started, I told myself that I’m gonna make the most out of this time and I’d study my ass off. I haven’t studied properly for almost 2 months, I’ve been just living.

It's funny though? At the start of all of this, before I got sick, I was recording podcast episodes and editing and deleting them (because I hated the sound of my voice and how awkward my accent was because it was a mix of everything).

To be honest, everything right now feels futile. Time’s just yesterday, tomorrow and today. I don’t know what tomorrow would bring, I cannot plan things and look forward to those plans.

But tonight’s one of those, I feel passionate and pumped up nights. I realised earlier that I miss creating—anything. I miss art, I miss writing, I miss editing, I miss it all. I miss being passionate about something and pouring my soul into it.

You know what? This is kinda a word vomit, but for once it’s okay. Maybe I needed this to bring myself back on track after taking my step back.

So what now?
Honestly? I have no idea. I'll just see where passion would take me right now -- since I've managed to gather courage and enough energy to actually materialise my emotions and thoughts. If I'd be a tiny winy bit optimistic on this, I'd call this an adventure.